Fear VS. Faith

   Day six was Fabulous with a capitol F! I got to stay with Kirk the whole day at the hospital.  Even to sit there while he tried to sleep made ME feel so much better!  They started the morning removing the epidural from his back...super cool to watch and I totally have pictures if anyone wants to see them;)  I also took pictures of the staples holding the surgical wound together in his back...also super cool.

   When they got Kirk up to walk we had to place an extra gown around the back for "complete coverage" I looked at him and thought, "Just what a superhero needs....a cape."

   The girls were helping with various family events so we didn't see them until later in the afternoon. It was wonderful when Dani, Steven and Bryn walked in.  The feelings of the importance of having an eternal family makes my heart swell each time I see them caring for their dad and just standing by his side.  I know we will be together for eternity and that alone seems to be enough.

  Can I just talk about his Fire and Police Brothers.  We call them "The Brethren".  I'm not even sure of the words. .....mostly....I don't know how to spell the love that they give to him and to our family.  I'm sitting here blubbering, in happiness, about how blessed we are.
 
   Two of the Brethren came by yesterday morning and served my sweetheart by shaving his scruffiness off.  They were gently and compassionate and thoughtful.  These are TRUE MEN.  They serve willingly and happily.  I am pretty sure they didn't sit around the breakfast table at the fire station and say, "Please don't make us go see Bert again!"  They have been aching to see him and he was so ready to see them yesterday.  Russ Sneddon and  Ryan Peterson shaved Kirk, helped him brush his teeth and then walked with him.  Again, no words to describe my feelings....I'm going to have to get a thesaurus.

 Nursing staff were able to remove the catheter and the arterial line in his neck.  Oxygen was removed in the afternoon but was replaced about 10 last night.  Not sure yet if it is still on this morning. 

   I have been thinking about the future, specifically, how do we do this at home? I must admit I felt some really stressful moments.  I was going to sleep at the hospital with Kirk last night, just having a hard time being away from him right now.  We were laying in the dark, him on the hospital bed, me on the most uncomfortable recliner ever made, probably both thinking about the same things.  I whispered, "Are you awake?" He said yes.  "Did you know", I continued to whisper, "That faith and fear cannot go together?"  "I have heard that said before." he whispered back.

I have had a lot of fear in the last week...wow! It has been a week! Being the control freak that I am, I keep a firm grip on that fear.  I think I'm even afraid to let the fear go! Now, how crazy is that? Wait...let's not go into the crazy discussion;)  I know I have faith and I know Kirk has faith.  Why does fear seem easier to hold onto?  It's like I am hauling it around in my purse, in my pockets, even in my mind.  Well....I decided last night that I am giving it away...Free Fear!!  Bucket, Bushel, Truckload!  You can have it but I wouldn't recommend it.  I am going to get a new purse and it is going to be filled with faith.  And it will be fabulously cute too;)
Love to you all!

Breathe.....

   Take a second to calmly sit here at your computer, take in a deep breath, releasing slowly while you close your eyes and relax.  Amazing isn't it? It seems like we expend very little effort. Over the last few days I have watched Kirk struggle with this simple act that we do thousands of times a day without any thought. Again, I am reminded about the simplest things in our life that we take for granted.

   It's day four. Really? Has it only been 4 days since the accident? A fast check of the calendar assures me that it is, in fact, the fourth day.  Kirk continues to dazzle and amaze those caring for him at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center with his "can do" attitude, his lighthearted sense of humor and the continual stream of well-wishers.  It seems that Kirk actually has several more brothers than Mom and Dad are aware of as many of his friends have stated to the staff that they are "family" so they can go in.  This thought is more true than they know.  You all are our family and have supported us in ways I may never be able to explain.

   Kirk had a bit of a rough night last night.  His nurse could tell he had a lot of fluid in his lungs and quickly went to work to fix this.  She propped him up on one side, pillows behind his back to keep him there, for thirty minutes.  She would then roll him to the other side and do the same thing.  Back and forth. Back and fourth.  She was able to get 270 ml of fluid out of his lungs and his breathing became easier.

   He still has the chest tube, this is where all of that fluid is draining out of his body, and it will likely stay for another day or two.  They do not want to remove it until the amount of liquid coming out in a 24 hour period is less than 100 ml. I find myself checking that tube often. Is the color getting lighter? How much has come out today.  When I left this hospital today he had already drained 150 ml.

   Kirk is using a Diaphragm Strengthening Unit to help increase his lung capacity.  They had deflated his left lung in the surgery to be able to get to his spine and well as detached his diaphragm.  Kirk uses this unit several times each hour, measuring the strength of his breath. He gets a little frustrated if he can't get it up to his goal of 1500.  He is diligent. Focused.

   He made a few laps around the nurses desk again.  Dr. Gardner told him to slow down on one lap.  Others have called him the Ninja Turtle (the girls will get a kick out of that!).  I told the nurse I thought he looked like a super hero! She said we must come up with a name for him, some kind of superhero name.  His friend Jake Ervin has already called him SuperFly and it does have a nice ring;)  Let me know what your suggestions are.  The therapists even took him out on "The Veranda".  He seemed rejuvenated and said, "It feels so good to be outside!"  I must admit that late this afternoon I was outside in the heat and thought about how stinking hot it was. I have so much to learn. So much to look past. So much to stop complaining about.

   The enormity of our adventure has started to hit.  I am scattered, tearful, thankful, positive and negative, questioning, planning and planning again.  I have tried to go to work the last two days, comfortable in knowing that he is very good hands.  Dani and Bryn have taken turns sitting with him throughout the day, what would I ever do without these two girls? I panic every time they call and answer the phone with, "Is everything okay?"  Of course it is! What am I thinking? It is all going to be okay!

   I am not really a big Oprah fan....now, don't any of you get your panties in a knot....I agree she has done some amazing things, but so have you!  Anyhow, she said something once that really applies to my life, our adventure....

  
    I'll take it.  I'll just step back and breathe.